Counting Raindrops Until Insanity
by stephab
Summary: All hell broke lose when Sirius Black found out that Lily and James died. What were his first thoughts as he sat, broken, in his cell at Azkaban? One Shot, may turn into fic if I get enough reviews saying so, thanks
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome Back on the Fanfic express! Wheather you are a veteran rider or a newbie important voice please keep your hands and feet in the vehicle at all times. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. Please enjoy the complimentary muffin baskets. **

Well hello there. Miss me? _-ducks flying objects-_ Yes Yes Yes, I know. Why on earth am I starting a new fic when I have 540358240398 ones in a dark corner crying for my attention. Well I actually have a very good reason _-people prepare pitchsporks- _IT"S A ONE SHOT! Ha! _-people lower pitchsporks-_

Ok so the story behind this one shot was that, well, it was 4 am and I felt like writing something! I came up with this **Counting Raindrops Until Insanity,** and **Why Mary Sue Must Die. **So I decide to post this. If it's bad, my excuse, I WROTE IT AT 4AM! Actually this is a very old one shot, I wrote it last year? I think...hmm...

Ok enough of my rant please continue on :

But before I forget...

**DISCLAIMER:** I own nothing except maybe the bloody humongeous rat in this fic. If you sue me all you get is half a bag of skittles and a stepped on laptop. I wish I was kidding.

Oh and please read the A/N at the bottom to

Thanks! And yes I do realize this A/N is longer than the actual fic

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**Counting Raindrops Until Insanity**

By: Steph

_Have you ever felt that you just got your life together? That with everything in your past that had gone wrong now it was right. I've had that feeling, and I've had that feeling snatched away from me. That led to another feeling, a feeling of pain…and of sorrow. _

_Why? Why do these things happen to me? Am…am I meant to be miserable for the rest of my life? Seeing that I'm here in this place, the answer is yes. This is where my road ends, all the twist and turns of life, all the wrong and right choices I made. But maybe I went left instead of right at the most important intersection of my life and it has me thinking, what if I made a right. What if I hadn't made that decision? Would I have avoided the crash? And maybe…just maybe things would have turned out differently. And they would still be here. _

_Then again what if this was meant to happen? What if there is some bloody higher power that sets our fate from the moment we are born, and that road we take is just an endless maze of deception. All the roads lead to the same thing, no matter what. _

_I still feel that it's my fault. It's my entire damn fault. I can stay in the hellhole for years and years, I can go insane and not remember why I'm her in the first place, but it will always be my fault. But I know I will not go insane, insanity is saved for those who have happy thoughts and memories. The Dementors will feed on their happiness; they suck them dry until all that's left is an empty shell of bad memories and dark thoughts. Happiness has no place in my mind, only revenge, guilt and pain. Insanity will never numb the pain, there are going to be moments, I know when I will be close to becoming another nut job. But I will focus on revenge, not a happy thought, so I will never be taken away from me. Never. _

_Oh. I hear the rain. I know a thunderstorm is coming, but not like the one that is in my very soul, no storm of that power has ever been found on earth. It sooths me, the rain, it helps me to stop thinking…about them. When I was younger I would always cont the raindrops as I heard them hit the round. But I never had the time, or patience to count them all. I laughed softly…now I will have the time, I will have all the time in the world. Wow, that laugh felt different from my laugh. I had laughed only days before, not out of happiness, not out of something close to insanity either. Out of revenge. _

_It's funny, really, its only my first night, I keep on thinking about insanity, imagine what will happen to me when I've been here longer. Longer…I'll be here longer, longer than the thunderstorm hall rain down upon this god forsaken place, longer than the time Slughorn gave me detention for that frog incident, longer that I'll ever have been in one place. I hope the have good food. Food, I'll miss food, almost as much as I'll miss them. But I'll never miss anything as much as I miss them. I swear the first thing I'm going to do when I get out of this hellhole is get some butterbear and a nice juicy hamburger, then I'll kill the rat. And no, its not that bloody humungous one staring at me in this cell. I hate rats. _

_Dementor…oh what's this? Food, if that's what you can call it, stale bread and I have no idea what this brown stuff is…It's probably the best they have here, and if that rat comes a step closer I'll take out all my anger out on him. Rats get away! Right now insanity sounds…no I'm not going to talk, think, like that. _

_James and Lily would have been ashamed. I'm sorry guys; one day I'll avenge you. One day I'll make them pay. Remus, I'm sorry mate, I should have believed you, maybe if I had…I wouldn't be here, one day I'll see you again. But that day, it's not now, it's not going to be for a long time, so I'll be counting raindrops until then. _

_**Fin **_

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**PIT STOP! So how did you ride? It wasn't to bumpy was it? Ok good, how did you like your muffin baskets? **

Ok, I have a fic for this dodges Yes I know I said it was a one shot but I do have a fic that is very tightly connected to this, heck they kinda have the same title **Counting Raindrops** It's about Sirius, who is in Azkaban, and he has, not really a power, but more like the ability to know when the rain is coming (Pretty usless I know, but think Gilmore Girls, Loreli with the snow) and so he's in Azkaban thinking back to major events in his life (ex. Girlfriends, running away from home, Lily and James dying, Harry being born)

Tell me if you would like this fic posted

**Ohh and all my old readers, READ MY PROFILE THINGY, there's news on my other fics**

Thanks!

Please press the little blue button


	2. Redone Version

*GASP* No, it's you? No way. I thought you died? Nah I'm still alive. *Pitchforks* Or maybe not. It's been a busy year, I haven't written at all. But in the past few months, I've been thinking about needing a creative outlet. I've spent quite a bit of time trying things like dancing or singing. Things I'm not very good at mind you. Then I remembered, writing. So this was just a little practice, a story I had already written, but this time, written by an older me. I'm in college now. It's quite surreal. Enjoy.

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**"We humans do, when the cause is sufficient, spend our lives. We throw ourselves onto the grenade to save our buddies in the foxhole. We rise out of the trenches and charge the entreched enemy and die like maggots under a blowtorch. We strap bombs on our bodies and blow ourselves up in the midst of our enemies. We are, when the cause is sufficient, insane."**

**-Orson Scott Card**

There's a steady drip falling from the ceiling. Drip. Drip. Drip. Like cruel, maniacal laughter of my past, the drips reverberate, cutting off my thoughts. This cell, this, this hellhole. Why am I here? The world was in turmoil, mysterious deaths, friends being tortured and yet...I had my own small piece of sanity. Life was difficult, but things were slowly falling into place. Even with all the darkness, I had the smallest pinpricks of light to continue surviving.

Is this where my road will end? After all the twists and turns of my life, all the wrong and right choices...is this where I'm meant to stay? Is there some bloody higher power that determines our fate from the moment we are born? Is the road we take an endless maze of deception? All roads leading to the same consequence, no matter what. The thought is depressing and all I can do is sit here, helpless.

This is all my fault. If I stay here for decades, go mad and forget why I'm even here, it will still always be my fault. But I know insanity is not my fate. Oh no, to go insane is for those with happy thoughts residing within them. The Dementors will feed on those poor fools, sucking them dry until all that is left is an empty shell of bad memories. All memories of a happy past, gone, like the last evidence of a heavy rainstorm. But happiness has no place in my mind. My past, the Marauders, the only girl I ever truly loved, the life I once lived, all gone. There is no need to dwell on memories that will only feed the Dementors.

All that is left is guilt, pain and revenge. Insanity would never numb my pain, the guilt is too strong, the pain too cutting, the thirst for revenge too encompassing. There will be times, I realize, that I will be only moments away from being another nut job. But this need for revenge will save me. I will never be taken from myself.

The rain is back. I hear the rain. In my past, the rain soothed me. I could always tell when a rainstorm was coming, I could feel the atmosphere change, I could always anticipate the first drip. I would try to count the raindrops, never succeeding, always too impatient, never thinking I had enough time. Time...I now have all the time in the world to count raindrops. Funny. My laugh sounds different now. Older. Cynical even. Only days before my laugh had been years younger, sincere and full of joy.

It's funny, really. My first night and I am already thinking about insanity, about the difference in my laughter. If I stay here longer...what would happen? Longer, I will be here longer. Longer than my time at Hogwarts, longer than the time Slughorn gave me detention for that one frog incident during 6th year. Longer than the entirety of the life I have already lived.

They should at least have food. Or Butterbeer. Merlin, I would even go for a Firewhiskey around now. Come to think of it, if I don't get food soon, I might have to eat that huge rat starting at me. What a depressing thought. I would much rather skin Wormtail alive, I would not mind roasting him over a fire. I hate rats.

Dementor? Food. Or brown stuff with some kind of gelatinous liquid. Appetizing. Maybe I'll take the rat. Maybe if I was actually insane I would be able to stomach this shit...no I'm not going to think that way.

James, Lily, I miss you. Remus, I'm sorry that I didn't believe you mate. One day I'll have my revenge. But that day, it's not now, it's not going to be for a long time. So I'll be counting raindrops until then.


End file.
